||[Oct. 5th, 2007|08:08 pm]
Myke on a Byke
allow me to clarify what I was saying.|
with the onslaught of academics a rapidly fading memory and a pulse pushing "what the fuck am I going to do now" sort of question popping into my brain every morning when I wake up, I'm on a somewhat desperate but not too articulate and formulated search for direction in my life. But direction is a false north, and if I follow the half brained ideas I have in my head I'll end up in the middle of Canada somewhere hunting elk and wearing moose skin loincloths. during the summer that may not be so bad, but I like my nuts and they don't like the cold.
I never write in here anymore because everything I think is in and out of my head so fast that in order for there to be some coherent plausibility in what I want to write I have to dwell on it for days. I see stories in my mind's eye. More often than not stories based on things that have been happening to myself and those I know around me lately. Things are good, then things are not good, repeat as desired.
so what snuck up on me is a little promise I made to myself when I was seventeen. The promise was that if and when I finally finished college I would remember everything that I believed in before college and compare it to what I think now. it's almost redundant to say that things have changed, but then again a lot hasn't. I just forgot (do you ever forget?) to remember for a while. That and I also promised myself that I wouldn't turn into a fucking asshole, way to break that one to yourself, myke.
But I'm not regressing into some sort of post university fuck you very much masturbatory solipsistic fantasy. On the contrary, I'm taking keen notes of the flashes of life and wonderful and horrible things I've encountered since I've been here. I'm trying to remember the things that have guided me, be it free will or causation. That at one point whatever I believed in didn't matter as much as it could possibly matter right now, and I don't want to lose that person that was once innocent and naive and more idealistic than a moonie running a meth lab.