| (no subject) |
[Oct. 5th, 2007|08:08 pm] |
allow me to clarify what I was saying.
with the onslaught of academics a rapidly fading memory and a pulse pushing "what the fuck am I going to do now" sort of question popping into my brain every morning when I wake up, I'm on a somewhat desperate but not too articulate and formulated search for direction in my life. But direction is a false north, and if I follow the half brained ideas I have in my head I'll end up in the middle of Canada somewhere hunting elk and wearing moose skin loincloths. during the summer that may not be so bad, but I like my nuts and they don't like the cold.
I never write in here anymore because everything I think is in and out of my head so fast that in order for there to be some coherent plausibility in what I want to write I have to dwell on it for days. I see stories in my mind's eye. More often than not stories based on things that have been happening to myself and those I know around me lately. Things are good, then things are not good, repeat as desired.
so what snuck up on me is a little promise I made to myself when I was seventeen. The promise was that if and when I finally finished college I would remember everything that I believed in before college and compare it to what I think now. it's almost redundant to say that things have changed, but then again a lot hasn't. I just forgot (do you ever forget?) to remember for a while. That and I also promised myself that I wouldn't turn into a fucking asshole, way to break that one to yourself, myke.
But I'm not regressing into some sort of post university fuck you very much masturbatory solipsistic fantasy. On the contrary, I'm taking keen notes of the flashes of life and wonderful and horrible things I've encountered since I've been here. I'm trying to remember the things that have guided me, be it free will or causation. That at one point whatever I believed in didn't matter as much as it could possibly matter right now, and I don't want to lose that person that was once innocent and naive and more idealistic than a moonie running a meth lab. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 28th, 2007|09:03 pm] |
|
ain't forgettin who I am or when I came from. |
|
|
| haiku? |
[Mar. 25th, 2007|11:06 pm] |
nothing good on tv
I keep moving
no stories tonight |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 24th, 2007|03:58 am] |
|
somewhere I feel as if I'm still alive, that there is a universe where I rest silently and gracefully. tonight I am dead and have died over and over through eons again and again. there is no other place but here where my animated body rests among the living. a scene from a horror movie, but my corpse is living, breathing, eyes full of light. and the camera rolls on and when the film is developed my reflection disappears. hello night, goodnight love. |
|
|
| heady water type |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|09:01 pm] |
all of these different parts of me have changed unexpectedly, sometimes for the better or worse. And then I have a bunch of questions afterwards, words that keep repeating themselves for no reason in my head (definition-less) and they flap around like wounded birds. I have seen more things now, liked a little less and given my heart without realizing it until after the fact. and I have stared down some scars and spit on them to clean them up. yet everything remains heavier and somehow void of a past I can appreciate. obviously unnerving but at times I mistake it for a cocoon that I created. perhaps in literary fashion I'll burst forth but not like the changed type, more the kinder and truly self aware type. I could only hope, of course. everything I know is always different every time I look at it, and I see particles for both places.
its like a power but cold as a trench. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2007|11:38 am] |
|
There's nothing lovelier girl... |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2006|09:20 am] |
|
I woke up to bells this morning. |
|
|
| our tension |
[Nov. 28th, 2006|09:36 pm] |
I hold my head aloft with the palm of my hand, and touch my eyes, my feet and ears. I see things on roads that disappear in lines I carve. My vision vibrates more than shakes as if I were on drugs. As it is I wish I were.
I think I've created this struggle for my own amusement. I will forget the things that keep me going on purpose, and I feel as if I chew through inspiration to quick (I will try to avoid metaphors here). Not to mention the second person, although addressing you does satisfy some strange social desire that orients me in half suns and an empty vastness.
My bed is cold. Lets talk about the fact that sometimes I feel hands curve around my waist and I pretend for a moment, for as long as a breeze blows through an open window, that something is real here besides me. I want to change the subject with every sentence.
I remember writing in here and having a purpose and a point. These days, however, not so much. I doubt I'll write in here too often anymore. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 21st, 2006|02:54 am] |
it is cold. a warm body with me would be nice.
fucking christ. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Mar. 26th, 2006|09:33 pm] |
|
It's been a year I guess. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 28th, 2006|02:25 pm] |
|
I would really like to know who was on my old screenname yesterday. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 28th, 2006|12:31 am] |
|
and we'll always have that summer. thank you. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 21st, 2006|10:25 am] |
|
I feel like a Mack truck hit me. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 19th, 2006|01:58 pm] |
There were all of these birds flying above the trees past my window and they just kept coming, as if they were late for the south. I wondered when you would be back the whole time I watched them. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2006|09:31 pm] |
When will the light hit the beach and time the daylight, wake up on our sandy skin. When will the summer make well for all of our sins (1)? Our slight of hand is our quickening bed, or warm sheets in the artic, majestic. The climb down is for a broken ladder, the sign of our faith a warm splatter on stomachs and eyes. The fish swim away and we dilate, face first and glowing. And with a slow prayer and haunting breath the tide draws near, our mouths open and dry and alive. Who knew our wrongs could be so right, an uphill battle forced into night. Who watched our arms grow so frail, a clanging metal. The finish is nigh, just a few more deep deep steps. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Feb. 16th, 2006|01:19 pm] |
I'm trying to study and while the sentances offer a small respite, my brain and my heart are much too cloudy to commit to it all. This mid term will probably be the end of me, so everybody should start pitching in for a coffin now, or at least a folgers tin.
I am trembling, and I have completely broken down more than once today. When I'm not in that state I'm on a precipice right above it, and I have never just stared so blankly at nothing before. I have lost all track of what caused this in the first place (although some relic of it sits close by), and by all means I'm exhausted from talking about it. If I couldn't write though, I'm not sure what would happen, especially after considering the way my body has reacted today. I feel as if things are being kept from me, situations I should be aware of, but if they resemble anything that's going on in my head I may be better off not knowing.
I want to leave so badly, just move away and forget I was ever in this town, that I ever met certain people. But I'll say it until my teeth turn into soil, wherever I go I am still with myself, and no change of environment will help that. And if karma is some true and universal force then I have a good three years of absolute misery in front of me. My apologies aren't worth the iou's they're printed on. |
|
|
| in honor of those boiling hearts. |
[Feb. 14th, 2006|04:27 pm] |
My Bloody Valentine is the only thing I'm listening to for the rest of the day.
Soft as snow but warm inside
Penetrate you cannot hide
Feeling lost forever
Really need you
Feeling dark and feeling true
This is all I ever knew
Soft as skin in leather
And I whisper ’you’
Harder you come down on me
Sink away you look happily
Secrets keep forever
They’re undressing me
Come inside it’s warm in here
Better now to have no fear
Carried on a wave
(where it can lead) you
Touch your head, then your hair
Softer, softer everywhere
Fingertips are burning
Can I touch you there
Soft as velvet eyes can see
Bring me close to ecstacy
High away to heaven
And I’m coming too
Float now coming down on me
Handed you what I cannot see
Feel the big happy, you’re exploding me
Soft as snow and warm inside
Penetrate then redivide
Slip away forever
(do we) need you |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
kidsinthefront's journal